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playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Sniffing the broccoli
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I hope this email finds you in a well
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE