My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
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Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
ibopfufen
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.