I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
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Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”