If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
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This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!