One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
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Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.