@LoveNLunchmeat

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

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@RdrJay47

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

@clindsaysway

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

@gojarbe

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

@notfaizzy

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

@robin_991

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

@LindaInDisguise

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

@Marlebean

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

@kimwilliamz

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

@BruceForce

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95