Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
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me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95