My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
“I FIXED IT!”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?