Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
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Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Bed should get ready for ME
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?