(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
You Might Also Like
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.