I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
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mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂