Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
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No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??