look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)