Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
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Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Bless you
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.