My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
This dude got his own movie?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.