She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
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I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Pikachu found the lost joint
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.