When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
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A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Stop sending me this shit.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Europe. Made in Germany.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*