Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
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[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!