[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
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Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr