Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
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Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently