I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
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No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
yea so i messed up lol
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.