Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
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Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.