We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
You Might Also Like
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.