Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
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HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I ate everything, including the H.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup