wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
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Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
mathematically impossible
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
plant them where lol
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?