Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
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ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.