You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
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Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.