waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
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Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Sending in my taxes
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
how to have an accident 101
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
The three genders.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers