Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
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old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers