Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
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If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.