ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
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Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Dance like you’re not the father
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered