ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.![]()
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handsome & gretel
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:![]()
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
![]()
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby