Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids