Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
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Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.