Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
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Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.