The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
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I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.