My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
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When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Kermit goes Blue.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts