Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
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dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Friday night party time 🥳
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one