If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
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Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.