Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

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I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.


Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.


[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human


After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.


Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations


just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.


as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound


I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.


Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”


Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.