Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
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listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!