Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
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The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*