Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.