Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Waiting for the Charmin
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Delightful if true: booby trap.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes