“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
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“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.