Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
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My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
#dnd #ttrpg
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella