THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
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People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.