I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
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I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Something Saturday.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I missed you with all my darts
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
fr
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there