You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
No laws when master is gone
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked