I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
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I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.