My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
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My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!