Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
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Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?