Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
A sick whale is called an unwhale
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.