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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.